How To Avoid Big-time Fights: 8 Tips for Successful “Time-Outs”

You’re not completely sure how you got here, but things are a mess.  Tears have been shed, you’re both exhausted, your voices are hoarse from all the yelling and screaming, your nerves are frayed, and your blood pressure has skyrocketed.  Just about every couple’s been there: the big fight.  Sure, all couples fight, but nobody wants to end up in the situation where things get out of hand.  You want to avoid saying things you don’t really mean and end up regretting later.  You want to avoid deeply hurting each other.  You want to avoid the scenario where doors are slammed, someone storms off, and the fight ends with the two of you licking your wounds alone in your corners. 

Today I want to share an important method that will help you manage tough conflicts: the “time-out.”  While you may have heard of this concept before, and while you may even be thinking, “We’ve tried it; it doesn’t work!”, there might be some small, but important things that you’re missing in order to execute a successful time-out.  As they say, the devil’s in the details. 

First, perhaps it’s necessary to establish what a time-out is not.  If the conflict results in someone storming off and then refusing to discuss things any further, or if the conflict results in “silent treatment” from either party, those do not count as a proper time-out.  Quiet does not equal time-out per se. 

Another important thing to do when it comes to making time-outs work for you is to actually spend time with your partner before a conflict arises to come up with a tailored plan (when you’re both calm) for the eventual time-out.  By the time a fight occurs, it’s too late to introduce the idea of a time-out for the first time.     

That said, below are some tips for effectively using a time-out to diffuse a volatile conflict.  Remember to go over these tips with your partner in advance.

Tip #1: Understand why it is important to call a time-out. 

When either you or your partner are feeling emotionally tense or flooded, the chances of having a helpful or productive conversation in which you are able to hear each other’s perspective and come up with meaningful solutions is low.  Therefore, it is much better to take a pause, take time to get centered and calm, and then resume your conversation at a later time.

Tip #2: Know the signs of when a time-out is needed.      

Pay attention to how your body feels when you and your partner are about to get into an argument.  You and your partner can agree ahead of time to call a time-out when either of you are starting to feel tense or when either of you are starting to raise your voice.  You might notice physiological symptoms of stress or tension, such as your heart beating faster, the rate of your breathing changing, muscle tension, or feeling hot or sweaty.  Or you might notice thoughts that are more extreme such as feeling like everything is your partner’s fault or feeling like you are always wronged in the relationship. 

Tip #3: Decide ahead of time how you will call a time-out. 

For example, is there a special word, phrase, or gesture you want to use?

Tip #4: Decide ahead of time how long each round of time-out will be. 

I generally recommend somewhere between 30 minutes to 2 hours.  To help you determine the length of the time-out, it’s important that you and your partner get a sense of how long it takes each of you to calm down.  The goal is to take the time you need for yourself and to get grounded again.  This means you are no longer noticing the physiological cues of stress and tension mentioned in Tip #2 above.  Research (J. Gottman) has shown it usually takes at least 20 minutes for one to calm down physiologically.  While it is important to take enough time to calm down, it’s also important to make sure that the time-out does not go on and on without a time limit to it.  When the duration of the time-out is too long, you or your partner may start to feel anxious or abandoned. 

Tip #5: Check in with each other at the end of each round of time-out.

Let’s say you and your partner decided that each round of time-out will be 30 minutes.  If you find out that you are still very tense and not able to have a helpful conversation with your partner at the end of the 30 minutes, then you can call another round of 30-minute time-out.  You two will then both take another 30 minutes and then reconnect at the end of that time period.  It may also be helpful to discuss details of how you two will come back to one another after the end of the time-out.  For example, is there a particular place to meet up?  Should the person who initiated the time-out be the person to initiate contact after the time-out, or is there another preference?

Tip #6: Do things to help yourself relax during the time-out. 

Since the goal of the time-out is to prevent unhelpful arguments, it is important to use the time-out as a time to “cool down” and relax.  Think about what you normally do to help yourself destress.  It may be calling a friend, taking a walk, watching a funny show, reading a book, aromatherapy, taking a nice shower or bath, or something else.  Don’t engage in activities that may be risky or dangerous during this time, such as driving off angrily or drinking.  I recommend writing down at least three ideas ahead of time so that you can go back to your notes later to remind yourself of things you can do during a time-out.  Sometimes it is difficult to come up with ideas in the moment when you’re feeling distressed, so it helps to have a list ready to go.  There are also helpful relaxation exercises such as deep breathing or visualization that can help. 

Tip #7: Find time to reconnect. 

After the time-out, it is helpful to reconnect with your sweetheart for a bit rather than feeling the need to jump right back into the topic of discussion.  Find what works and feels comfortable for the two of you.  It might be a special gesture you two have with one another that indicates “truce,” or it may be taking a moment to share a hug or a kiss. 

Tip #8: Make time to discuss the issue. 

A time-out is meant to help you take a pause so that things don’t escalate into an unproductive fight.  It is not intended for you to sweep issues under the rug and not bring them up again.  It might feel tempting to avoid the topic altogether, especially since talking about the topic in the first place led to some tension, but avoiding important discussions will generally create more issues later on.  Make a pact with your partner to come back to the topic.  If you’re not able to have the discussion right away, perhaps schedule a time to do that later in the day or later in the week. 

By the way, as a bonus tip---you and your partner might consider having a time set aside weekly where you can discuss things in your relationship.  This is meant to be a time set ahead for you and your partner to talk about anything in your relationship.  If you already have a time set aside for “relationship meetings,” then one idea would be to pick up the discussion at the next meeting.  While the idea of a “relationship meeting” may sound unnatural or strange to some, it is a great way for you to make sure there is a time set aside to focus on you and your partner.  This is particularly helpful and important if you and your partner lead busy lives where it can be hard to find time to connect or discuss concerns.  Also, please know that “relationship meetings” does not equate to only a time to bring up problems, it’s also a great time to talk to your partner about strengths in your relationship, share what you appreciate about your partner, or set goals for your lives together.

If you are finding that you and your partner are stuck in repetitive cycles of tension and having difficulties resolving your conflicts, it may be helpful to consider couple therapy to help the two of you improve communication and conflict management.  I provide effective couple therapy to help couples resolve conflicts, understand each other on a deeper level, share more empathy and compassion, and grow closer to one another.  Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you would be interested in a complimentary phone consultation or to schedule an appointment.  I am wishing you well.

Writer Bio: Dr. Annie Hsueh, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist (PSY25708) in the Los Angeles area. She has dedicated her career towards helping couples develop more joy and connection in their relationships. She is based in Torrance, CA and sees clients throughout California via secure online therapy platforms.

Image Disclaimer: Stock photos used. Posed by models.