How to Deal with the Anxiety of Ending a Relationship, According to Psychologist
For a lot of people the process of trying to decide if a relationship is right for you is a difficult one. You might find yourself rehashing the pros and cons list about your partner in your mind. Maybe you have an inkling that this relationship isn’t right for you, but before you even fully decide on whether you want to breakup or to make the relationship work, you are already trying to figure out the how to’s of breaking up. You try to play out in your mind what you want to say to your partner and perhaps you anticipate the conversation not going well or your partner getting hurt, so you end up backing away from the idea of communicating your concerns and needs to your partner, and you end up holding a lot of anxiety by yourself. Sound familiar? Read on to learn some strategies on helping you with the anxiety of ending a relationship (when you are the one thinking about breaking up with your partner).
1. Figure out if you want to break up before you figure out how to break up.
Sometimes people flip flop back and forth on whether they want to end a relationship because they can’t picture an ideal way of ending it. They worry about hurting their partner, or maybe they aren’t even sure if they will find a better relationship in the future. It is helpful to focus more on deciding whether you want to end the relationship before you decide on the how. This approach helps because it can focus your thinking and help you gain clarity.
If you decide that a breakup is in order, then continue reading to learn other recommended strategies:
2. Tune in to yourself and remember there is no way to fully predict how your partner will respond.
A lot of people have a hard time ending the relationship out of fear of hurting their partner. They try to come up with the best ways and best timing for it, which only perpetuates their stress and analysis paralysis. So one tip is to remind yourself to focus your attention internally to your values, intentions, and needs, rather than trying to predict how your partner will react. Clarify for yourself what your needs and desires are in a relationship, and why the relationship isn’t working for you. Remind yourself of your values and intention before you talk to your partner. For example, if kindness is a value of yours, you can be thoughtful about holding this intention as you prepare to sit down and talk to your partner. Remember you can only do your best, and you only have control over your side of the equation. Ultimately if your partner responds “poorly,” you might get more data or information about why this relationship isn’t a good fit for you.
3. Turn to close friends or family for support.
Another aspect of breaking up that can feel very scary is in some ways you may feel like your partner is the only other person who truly shared certain experiences with you. You may be used to routines with your partner and the thought of the end to the relationship may disrupt the sense of comfort that routines bring you. The more ties and commitment you have with one another, for example, if you live together or own a pet together, the harder it can feel to imagine separating your lives. Since breaking up often means losing your relationship with someone who has been an integral part of your life, it is very important to make sure you are strengthening other relationships in your life. Not only is social support important to one’s mental wellness in general, it can be particularly important during times of transitions, such as when you are working towards ending your romantic relationship. Talk to that dear friend about how you’re feeling and thinking. Let them know specifically how to support you. Would you like them to just listen first? Are you wanting their opinion on your relationship? Would it be helpful to spend more time with your family members? Do you need someone to just sit and be with you, with no obligations to talk? Or do you need someone to go out and do things with you? Be clear with your support network about what feels most helpful and meaningful to you.
4. Center yourself with breathing.
Paying attention to your breathing is a simple and powerful way to help you calm down physically. When you are ready to have “the talk” with your partner, take some slow deep breaths and continue to pay attention to your breathing as a way to help you calm during the conversation.
5. Seek the guidance of a licensed clinical psychologist.
Finding yourself ruminating on whether or not to breakup?
Feeling like this relationship isn’t good for you but feeling worried about hurting your partner’s feelings?
Worried about burdening your friends and family with your problems?
Therapy is a safe space for you to discuss your concerns, learn about patterns in your life, clarify your values, learn coping strategies, boost your communication skills, and help you work towards what you want in your life. I am a licensed psychologist in California specializing in helping clients navigate relationship challenges. I offer counseling via secure online teleconference platforms for people living in California. So whether you are right here in the South Bay area of Los Angeles or in Northern California Bay Area, please feel free to reach out to me for a complimentary consultation.
You might also like…
“Five Effective Coping Strategies That Psychologists Practice (and You Can Too!)”
“How to Find the Right Therapist”
Writer Bio: Dr. Annie Hsueh, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist (PSY25708) in the Los Angeles area. She has dedicated her career towards helping couples and individual adults in their relationships. She is based in Torrance, CA and sees clients throughout California via secure online therapy platforms.
Image Disclaimer: Stock photos used. Posed by models.