How the Single Most Important Parenting Strategy Is Also Crucial in Your Relationship With Your Partner
The other day, I was listening to the awesome TED talk from Dr. Becky Kennedy on “The single most important parenting strategy.” I highly recommend watching or listening to the talk if you haven’t. Even if you have, it might be worthwhile to review it again. In her talk, Dr. Becky spoke about how parents can repair with their children after difficult moments. As parents, we all have those moments with our children that we aren’t so proud of, right? Here is the thing, there is something we can do about it. Dr. Becky said whenever a parent asks her, “What parenting strategy should I focus on?”, she tells them to “get good at repair.” Yep, repair. In her TED talk, Dr. Becky defined repair as “the act of going back to a moment of disconnection, taking responsibility for your behavior, and acknowledging the impact it had on another.”
There are two main steps to repair. Step one: Repair with yourself. Step two: Repair with the other person. In this blog post, rather than focusing on how to repair with your child, I would like to focus on how to repair with your romantic partner. After all, the steps for repairing apply to all meaningful relationships in our lives. Repairing allows us to reconnect with our loved ones.
So let’s say after a long day (this is hypothetical and may or may not be based on real life experiences), I want to watch a show with my husband. And my husband, also having had a long day, wants to go to bed earlier. In that moment, it can feel like our needs are in opposition to one another and there isn’t a way for me to connect with him. Let’s say he tells me that he is too tired to watch a show tonight and has to go to bed. Me, still let down and upset, tell him, “Fine! I’ll just watch it myself.” Maybe even muttering, “You’re always too tired for me.” He walks away. We both feel terrible. This may even get us into a negative cycle where I protest or complain, and he distances or backs away. These types of cycles go on and on in a loop: The more one person pushes, the more the other person backs away. The more one person backs away, the more the other person pushes.
These types of moments, while human, aren’t ones I feel good about. So what can I do? I can remember the steps for repair. Step one. Repair with myself. It’s hard to be compassionate with other people when we can’t be compassionate with ourselves. I can slow down, observe, and ground myself. I can remind myself that what I did does not equate to who I am. In other words, even though I didn’t like how I acted, I can give myself grace and compassion. What happened doesn’t mean I am altogether a bad partner. This type of process can take intentional practice. It may sound like common sense, but it isn’t always common practice. Sometimes guilt and shame can take us into a spiral. As I slow down, I realize several components of my experience. I can understand how I got triggered, my emotions, the stories I tell myself in these moments, the sensations in my body, my defense mechanism and outward actions. Having both had busy days, I was so looking forward to an enjoyable and relaxing time together at the end of the day, but he was looking forward to getting some extra rest. Even though I knew it wasn’t personal, a part of me felt rejected when my husband said he had to go to sleep. Deep down, I was feeling sad. Instead of telling him that I’m sad we weren’t able to connect more at that time, my defense, or “protection,” kicked in and I was short with him. As I reflect on this whole process, I am able to validate my own experiences and ground myself. I might say to myself, “Of course you were sad and upset. It felt awful that he couldn’t stay up more. You were so looking forward to that time together. You really missed him.” I also start to have more compassion for my husband. I knew he had a really busy day, and heck, even a really busy couple of weeks. It totally makes sense that he wanted to catch some extra zzz’s. I care about him and I want him to get rest, too.
That then takes me to step two: repair with the other person. Dr. Becky outlined three main elements to this step: name what happened, take responsibility, and state what you would do differently the next time. So here is what it may look like: I go to my husband as he is getting ready for bed and say to him:
“I was thinking of what just happened in the living room. You let me know you can’t stay up to watch the show with me. I got upset and I was short with you. The way I acted was mean. I’m so sorry. I’m working on catching my triggers and communicating better with you. What I really wanted to say was how much I’ve missed you all day. I know you’ve had a long day and I hope you get a good night’s rest and feel better tomorrow. I will keep working on accepting your needs and communicating with more kindness even when I feel disappointed or upset.” This repair process would then allow us to reconnect. We might decide to cuddle in bed a bit, or we might come up with a plan for when we can go out on a date night later in the week. Maybe my husband invites me to share more about how I was feeling. Perhaps my husband, having gained more perspective of my inner world: that while I was short with him on the outside, I was feeling sad and missing him on the inside, would be able to comfort me, too.
Now think of some recent moments with your sweetheart. Are there any moments you wish you could have a do-over for? Would you be willing to practice the steps for repair? It won’t always go smoothly, but putting the steps into practice will allow you to connect and heal on a much deeper level.
You might also like…
“Is This Cognitive Bias Ruining Your Relationship With Your Partner?”
“The Missing Piece in Your Communication”
Writer Bio: Dr. Annie Hsueh, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist (PSY25708) who specializes in helping couples with the repair and reconnect process. She sees clients throughout the state of California via secure online therapy platforms. If you are wanting some support in how to repair your relationship with your partner, you can reach out to her for a complimentary consultation.
Image Disclaimer: Stock photos used. Posed by models.