Six Important Ways to Support a Partner in Distress

We humans are social beings who are wired for connection. One of the most painful experiences in life is to feel alone. Yet, many of us, especially those who are raised in cultures that values high energy, bubbly emotions, struggle with knowing how to respond when our partner is in distress, potentially leaving our partner feeling abandoned; alone in their distress. If you want to learn some ways to support your partner, read on!

1. Mindfully breathe.

Let’s say your partner had a tough day and they are confiding in you. Do you ever find that when your partner is stressed, you get stressed, too? One important way to help you get centered is by breathing mindfully. This means to pay attention to your breathing. Notice the sensation of breathing in, the sensation of breathing out….  Do you feel your breath in your nostrils, your chest, or your abdomen? If you notice yourself holding your breath, gently slow down your breathing. When you breath mindfully, you are helping your body relax. As your body relaxes, you can stay grounded and focus more on what your partner is saying to you without being hijacked by your own stress or anxiety. Also, I am not suggesting that you can’t feel stressed. Sometimes it can be helpful to just acknowledge the stress, too. It’s called, “name it to tame it.”

2. Slow down and listen. Really listen.

I know some of these ideas sound like common sense, but they aren’t always common practice. Often it can be hard to resist the urge to jump in and give your partner suggestions when they are telling you about something difficult. You see a possible fix for the issues they are facing and you can’t wait to tell them all about your idea. Your intentions are good. You are wanting to help. You can picture things that may reduce your partner’s pain. However, offering solutions too early can often lead the other person to feel missed or misunderstood. Your partner may feel like they’ve already considered those ideas or there may be more complexity to their concerns that they are still in the process of sharing with you. Therefore, remind yourself to practice active listening. This means to listen with intention. Try to understand the underlining emotions your partner may be experiencing in their situation. You might paraphrase back to your partner what they’ve said to you and see if your paraphrase resonates with them. If you don’t understand something completely, ask for clarification.

3. Give them your full attention.

When your partner is sharing something difficult they are experiencing with you, do you drop what you are doing and give them your full attention? If you are in the middle of something, can you gently let your partner know when you would be able to give them your full attention? Be mindful of your body language, too. How can you convey your full care towards your partner with your eye contact and your body language? Perhaps you sit close to them and look tenderly into their eyes. What may be some ways to convey your love and care with physical affection? Think about how your partner likes to receive support. Being able to respond to your partner’s bids for connection with responsiveness is very important.

4. Allow for difficult emotions.

Sometimes people have the urge to say something positive or find a silver lining when their partner is sharing difficult emotions with them. While this is well intentioned, on the receiving end, it can feel as if you are prioritizing your comfort over your partner’s genuine experiences in that moment. It’s important to remind yourself that all emotions are a natural part of the human experience. So allow all the emotions to be, even the ones that don’t feel “positive.” Instead of feeling like you need to say something uplifting to help your partner feel better, remember that just your presence of being with your partner can be incredibly healing and powerful. They are no longer alone in those dark moments, they have you right there holding them.

5. Reflect your partner’s emotions.

How does your partner express difficult emotions? When they are sad, hurt, or upset, what do they tend to do? What about when they are upset with you or your relationship vs. about some external factors? Does your partner shut down or get critical? Sometimes it can be really hard to respond compassionately to your partner because their behaviors may trigger a whole set of difficult emotions within you as well. For example, maybe they say something that feels like a jab or an attack at you rather than just tell you they are feeling sad or scared about something. Here is a crucial tip. Lean in and get curious about the emotions that are underneath your partner’s actions in those moments. If you can stay attuned and present with your partner, you can ask them more about their experiences, and you can reflect back to them what they may be feeling and ask them if your reflections are accurate for them. This is a hard skill to master, so don’t be discouraged if this takes a lot of trial and error. Additionally, if you and your partner are continuously stuck in a repetitive, problematic communication pattern, I highly encourage you to seek couple therapy from an experienced clinical psychologist for tailored support.

6. Ask what support looks like for them.

What does your partner need when they are having a bad day? Do they want you to listen to them vent? Do they want you to take them somewhere and distract them? It may be a good idea to have conversations with your partner about how you each prefer to receive support in various scenarios. These types of conversations can be helpful both when you two are doing well and after things have calmed a little bit during a difficult moment. In other words, after you’ve taken the steps described above (grounding yourself, listening, conveying your emotional presence, reflecting your partner’s experiences), you might ask your partner something like, “How can I best support you right now?”

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Writer Bio: Dr. Annie Hsueh, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist (PSY25708) in the Los Angeles area. She has dedicated her career towards helping couples repair and strengthen their relationships. She is based in Torrance, CA and sees clients throughout California via secure online therapy platforms.