It’s Time to Put Your Relationship on the Calendar
One of the key elements of a strong relationship is centered around how connected the partners are with one another. And while the wonderful thing with connection is that it naturally happens, we may also find that as life happens, and as milestones in a relationship are crossed (say, for example, the birth of a child), connection starts to happen less and less. A promotion, and resulting longer hours of work, can take away some of the opportunities a couple had prior to the promotion for connecting. A brand new baby certainly demands time and attention, and suddenly that late-night romp out and about town is no longer possible; even just sitting together for a Netflix binge can go by the wayside; and the two of you are left wondering where the time went and how it is you barely saw each other the whole day. You suddenly find yourselves two ships passing in the night. And with less connection, relationship satisfaction may suffer.
Is it time for a relationship meeting or a check-in?
The good news is that with some planning and some intentionality, you can recover some of that lost connection. The general idea is to schedule time for your relationship. You can take the approach for example, of "scheduling meetings" with your partner. Practically, this may be just as simple as looking at where there's available downtime in the busy schedule to hang out and chat. If a nice sit down isn't possible, perhaps you can agree on a smaller window of time for daily "check-ins." Maybe it's right before one or both of you head out the door for the day. Maybe it's a quick lunch call. Perhaps it's at the end of the day and how you two say good night. You negotiate the time that works for the both of you.
Prioritize date nights.
Another thing that can really help strengthen the connection is to make sure that date nights happen. A lot of new parents lose date nights when baby arrives. While completely understandable, a night out sans kiddo would actually help make for better parents. When you're connected to your partner, you are able to better parent. This might be tricky though, and you may have to navigate things in a way you didn't before having your child. Before, you might have had the luxury of a spontaneous, "Let's go out for a midnight scoop of ice cream!" But now, you'll have to consider feeding, bedtimes, bath times, and all of that. You might find that you'll need to find a sitter as well. But mapping out things so that the two of you can go out and enjoy one another is crucial. If Baby is very young and leaving the house is impossible, a date night in can be a great compromise between having to stay home and getting a movie/dinner together out. Again, being intentional is key: have fun with it. Dress up, get some fancy delivery; turn off the lights and bring out the candles. Make it work for you.
Schedule intimacy and enjoy the anticipation.
The same strategy works for just about anything involving connecting with your partner, even sex. While it may sound strange or feel even a bit funny, you can "schedule" sex. And why not? Anything important and meaningful in our lives gets the attention of a reserved, not to be interrupted time slot, right? We find the time for projects, for get togethers; why not schedule intimacy? Besides, the anticipation can be something fun, sexy.
Seek support.
So if you've been noticing that you're not feeling as connected; maybe you feel like you've been around your partner (living together, seeing each other), but not being with your partner, it may be good to consider getting out that planner or calendar app, sitting down, and scheduling time for your relationship. If you are needing additional guidance in this process, consider seeking couple counseling. I am a clinical psychologist in the South Bay area of Los Angeles and I specialize in helping couple repair and reconnect. Please reach out to me for a complementary consultation.
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“Five Myths about Couples Therapy that May be Holding You Back from Growth”
Writer Bio: Dr. Annie Hsueh, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist (PSY25708) in the Los Angeles area. She has dedicated her career towards helping couples increase their relationship satisfaction. She is based in Torrance, CA and sees clients throughout California via secure online therapy platforms.