Expecting a Baby? Learn these Communication Skills to Help Strengthen your Relationship
Although the transition to parenthood is often a very joyful time for many couples, it can also come with some stress and anxiety, which may also bring with it, conflict and arguments. The good news is there are some strategies you can use to help you navigate this special time in your relationship so that you grow closer and are able to enjoy and celebrate the coming arrival together.
Years ago, I worked as a project therapist on a research project that focused on helping first times parents navigate their transition to parenthood smoothly. Nowadays, I continue to work with many first-time parents in my private practice. Today, I want to share some important tools you and your partner can learn to help you with your communication.
1. Speaker Listener Technique (Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg, 2010)
The speaker listener technique is a systematic approach to share and to make sure you and your partner are listening to one another. This is a great way to practice your active listening skills and to build more empathy, understanding, and connection. You can learn to listen to your partner and help them feel understood. It's difficult to just turn the listener/speaker mode on while you're engaged in a fight, so it works best if you first have plenty of practice with this communication technique when you two are doing well. You can even practice speaker-listener skill with prompts such as discussing what is currently going well in your relationship. In this communication exercise, you and your partner will take turns having “the floor” as the speaker while your partner listens. The two partners will share “the floor” or take turns being the speaker. Below are details on what each person does in the two roles in this exercise:
Guidelines for the speaker:
A) Focus on your own feelings and perspective. While it doesn't necessarily have to be as formulaic as using "I feel" statements, the speaker should focus on themselves rather than point fingers at their partner or assume things about how their partner feels.
B) Keep it brief. Keep what you’re sharing to about two to three sentences so that it is easier for your partner, the listener, to follow what you’re saying. If you go on and on, your partner will likely have a difficult time tracking everything you say. You can take a few turns being the speaker, so you will have a chance to elaborate later.
C) Stop and let the listener paraphrase. After you say a couple of sentences, take a pause so that the listener can paraphrase what they are hearing and check in with you to see if they got it right.
Guidelines for the listener:
A) Focus on what the speaker is saying. Try to listen with empathy. Don’t make rebuttals.
B) Paraphrase what you heard the speaker say. The listener reflects or restates what the listener said in their own words. After they paraphrased what they heard, they can ask the speaker if their reflection is accurate.
Guidelines for both partners:
A) The speaker has the floor and keeps the floor when the listener restates what is heard.
B) Take turns being the speaker, or sharing the floor.
2. Schedule relationship and co-parenting meetings.
Having a daily or at least a weekly time to check-in with one another is important in helping you maintain closeness and intimacy in your relationship. It may feel strange to schedule these meetings, especially if you and your partner naturally or spontaneously check in with one another often. For many couples, it can become more difficult to find time to communicate with one another after the baby arrives. Therefore, it is important to schedule some time to really check in and listen to one another. Perhaps you can find a time at the end of the day when baby is asleep to talk, even just for a few minutes. And perhaps once a week you can have a longer period of time together to communicate with one another on a deeper level. You can check in with one another to see how you are feeling in your romantic relationship. You can bring up concerns you might have regarding your couple relationship as well as address any concerns with co-parenting. During these meetings, be sure to also tell your partner about what is going well in your relationship. What is something they do that you appreciate? What are some moments that were special to you in your relationship or with parenting this week?
3. Continue learning about one another.
One way to increase your communication and intimacy is to regularly make time to talk and to learn about one another. Researcher and author on marital stability, Dr. John Gottman came up with a set of questions for couples to ask one another. These questions have been turned into a little card game called the Gottman Card Decks. These exercises will help you build your friendship and connection with your partner. The cards are broken down into categories that range from "get to know you better" and "expressing empathy" types of questions all the way to sexual questions and activities that have their own range (mild to hot!). This can be a very fun and creative way for couples of all types and length of relationships to engage one another. The best part? It's free! You can download the card decks from the app store.
I am wishing you all the best as you work towards better communication and a closer relationship with your partner. If you are in California and would like more personalized support during your transition to parenthood, or another transition in your relationship, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me for a complementary consultation. I am a licensed clinical psychologist in the Los Angeles area and I specialize in helping couples overcome challenges in their communication patterns and to increase their relationship satisfaction.
You might also like…
“Why I Was Almost Too Scared to Be a Parent...and Tips for First Time Parents”
“How to Connect With Your Partner in One Minute, Five Minutes, or an Hour”
Writer Bio: Dr. Annie Hsueh, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist (PSY25708) in the Los Angeles area. She has dedicated her career towards helping couples develop more joy and connection in their relationships. She is based in Torrance, CA and sees clients throughout California via secure online therapy platforms.
Image Disclaimer: Stock photos used. Posed by models.