Why I was almost too scared to be a parent...and tips for first time parents
When I was going to graduate school for clinical psychology, I was doing research and clinical work relating to the transition to parenthood. At the time, learning that on average, couples experience a decline in their relationship satisfaction after having a child, almost made me too scared to consider entering motherhood (good thing that fear was short-lived as I am so very grateful to be a mom today). In my work, I also learned that there are many things couples can do to prevent issues and strengthen their relationship during the transition to parenthood. I have worked with and witnessed firsthand many couples whose relationships stayed strong during this special time. Here are some of my tips and encouragement for you if you are expecting your first baby.
1. Get to know your partner and your relationship very well.
While having a baby is exciting, it can also bring a lot of stress for most couples. Before welcoming the baby, have conversations with your partner about your relationship. What are your strengths and what are your growth edges as a couple? What things tend to upset you, and how will those things remain the same or change, after baby arrives? What types of issues might come up for you as a couple when you are caring for a baby? What can you do to prevent or address problems?
2. Make time for your relationship.
Both before and after the baby arrives, make sure you make time for your partner. Get creative with your dates, especially after baby arrives. It does not have to be something very involved. Even watching your favorite show and enjoying a dessert together when the baby is sleeping is okay. Just simply find time for the two of you to be together.
3. Develop a co-parenting plan before baby arrives.
In addition to all the practical things you need to do, such as setting up the baby’s car seat and getting all the baby gear you need, figure out what the division of labor will look like after baby arrives. Who will be primarily responsible to do what? Will you involve others in childcare? Who and how often? How will each of you find time for self care? Off course this plan is likely to evolve over time, but having an initial plan for the first one to three months can be helpful. Also, it is often hard to anticipate how exactly things will be after baby arrives, so be sure to be flexible and tailor your plan as needed. In order to find time to develop your co-parenting plan and to assess whether it is working, I recommend #4 below.
4. Consider having relationship and co-parenting meetings.
As you get busy caring for a newborn, it may get much harder to find time to communicate with one another. So, it might be helpful to literally schedule these meetings, even if that sounds or feels a bit silly. Relationship and co-parenting meetings are times set aside for you and your partner to talk about your relationship as a couple and how you two parent together. Remember, while it is important to bring up any concerns in these "meetings," it is also good to point out and discuss strengths and celebrate successes.
I hope these ideas help you as you are expecting your first baby. And I wish you a joyful and smooth transition to parenthood.
Want more support?
I offer counseling for couples who are navigating the transition to becoming parents. You can find a list of books I recommend to parents read here, learn more about my services click here, or reach out to me for a consultation here.
Writer Bio: Dr. Annie Hsueh, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist (PSY25708) in the South Bay Los Angeles area. She has dedicated her career towards helping couples develop more joy and connection in their relationships. She sees clients throughout California via secure online therapy platforms.
Image Disclaimer: Stock photos used. Posed by models.
Revised on 02/02/2022